If Shizuo was real (he’d be a real wreck)

Poor guy. He has enough issues being fictional.

If you have ever thought about Shizuo being real, you’ve probably come to the conclusion that reality wouldn’t suit him so well. Here are the specific reasons why. (Most of them stem from his strength.)

1: Strength

Super-strength is arguably the worst problem Shizuo would have if he became real. If his muscles have enough strength to crush a signpost, throw people/cars/vending machines, and stick his hand through a metal sheet, it would be a real challenge for him not to break his sunglasses, rip handles off their door, and catapult out of bed in the morning. In the fictional world, he only breaks things he’s holding (excluding things like cigarettes and plastic spoons) a few times, but in real life, he’d be doing it ALL THE TIME. That truck he threw would have bent in the middle. This guy on YouTube called the Nerdist has a great video on it titled “Why You Don’t Actually Want Super Strength“.

These sunglasses would have met an untimely end.

2: Everyone else’s strength

The real world is not built to take Shizuo’s strength. Patting Akane’s head would give her a concussion. Throwing people across the street would result in their death. Regular dudes pat people too hard. I’m one of them, I get it from my dad. Shizuo beats people up fairly often. In real life, their injuries would easily be bad after a few hits to kill them.

Image result for shizuo door
The door wasn’t ready either.

3: Dat temper/the cops

There’s a word for Shizuo’s temper thing, and it’s in the DSM. It’s called IED and it’s under impulse-control disorders. Sorry, but it’s pretty obvious. He meets the criteria easily. Shizuo, as far as I know, gets arrested twice. In real life, he’d be arrested every other day…if they could catch him. If he came quietly, he’d be in jail for a good long while. If he didn’t, well, he didn’t react (much) to stun-gunning and survived being shot in a pretty critical place (the stomach is actually a very dangerous place to be shot), so they’d probably have to kill him. If he escaped, he’d be a fugitive and an outcast.

Image result for shizuo arrested
How handsome he looks restrained wouldn’t matter.

4: Social problems

Not even Shinra would be willing to get close to him if he knocked doors in on a gentle day. So he’d be an outcast even without getting arrested.

https://i1.wp.com/i61.tinypic.com/r1xxz8.jpg
Only the cat wouldn’t be scared.

5: Depression

Shizuo might seem like, I’ll say it, a freak. But really, he needs people. He doesn’t like being so separate from everyone else. He doesn’t like his strength because it’s what makes him weird. He seems to be holding up well, probably because he does have friends. But in real life, he would have nobody (except maybe his mom). How could he? He’d hug someone and break their ribs. So he’d get depressed. And there would be no way out, because he’s indestructible and might be able to shoot himself in the head (in the eyes, like Varona thought of?) except that Japan has really tight gun laws. It’s not as easy, in real life, as smuggling a truck full of them into the country.

Men express themselves, except when they don’t, and that, girls, causes the problems your feminist aunt is always complaining about.

6: Physical problems

When Shizuo gets mad, his adrenaline fires up (to be nerdily honest, there is definitely something wrong with his adrenal glands). Cortisol (a stress hormone) would also be released. That’s fine if you need to fight a polar bear every once in a while, but doing that repeatedly won’t be good for you. We saw this, remember? As a kid, Shizuo broke practically every bone in his body. Yes, that would happen, and no amount of milk would mend it like that. But I’m talking abou the hormones. That much adrenaline and cortisol would put a strain on his heart. Other things that are bad for your heart: loneliness and smoking (the weird thing is they are equally bad for it).

His heart would be affected. No, not the kind of heart in the picture, but you get the idea!

(The following are updates, after I got some sleep! Thought of them the day after I published this.)

7: Calories

I’m obsessed, aren’t I? But really, Shizuo would have to eat a lot if he was real. Considering the amount of exercise he gets alone (even without the freakouts, his job has him walking around a lot), he’d need to eat over 3,000 Calories (the difference between calories and Calories here!). Plus muscle takes Calories to maintain. It’s hard to tell for Shizuo, but muscle is denser than fat, and his muscles are like bridge cables, so I’m assuming they take more Calories than they look, but somewhat less than their strength (can you imagine that?). Add to that being tall (more of you to feed when you’re tall), and he’d be hungry a lot.

Image result for shizuo eating
“What do you mean, I can’t live on milk alone?”

8: Resilience

Shizuo’s physical resilience could actually hurt him in the real world. For example, say he gets a cut and ignores it/forgets about it/never notices it. That cut could easily get infected. Broken bones can puncture blood vessels and cause internal bleeding. Being hit over the head (no matter how little you think or how much calcium you drink) can hurt you even if you can’t tell right away, and even sub-concussive blows (less-than concussions) can build up over time to cause mental issues (it’s called CTE, and it annoys me too, but hey, it’s there).

Image result for shizuo bleeding
It wouldn’t be OK in real life…uh…what was I saying….

So that’s what I had off the top of my head. I’ll add images to every one when I can!

Update: images added, plus two more problems! Oh, that’s not good…well, it was fun to write. Best stay put in your world, my love.

(WordPress gives your drafts a number I guess. The number for this, in the URL, was 911. Which is the number people would call if Shizuo was real. See below.)

ah, shizuo

(I looked up a depression quiz for consequence 5 and found one on an anti-smoking website. The Internet is reading my mind!!!)

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One thought on “If Shizuo was real (he’d be a real wreck)

  1. OK, update: The difference between calories and Calories is this—a Calorie is 1,000 calories. Confusing, yes. Capital-C Calories are for food. Just remember that if you say 2,000 calories…that’s 2 Calories. 2. Girl portions here.

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