Happy Valentine’s Day; The Princess Bride seems relevant here.

I am so sorry. You probably think this blog is deserted, huh. Well, I’m still here, happy my two subscriber-strangers (I have four subscribers, two of whom I know IRL) haven’t gotten around to unsubscribing.

ALERT for vague spoilers for The Princess Bride and Buttercup’s Baby.

I don’t remember much of what I dreamed last night. But I do remember one fact: Westley and Buttercup had twelve daughters and thirteen sons. That’s twenty-five kids. I don’t think I actually saw them, but I was told how many there were.

In my dream, they’d escaped and were maybe sailing around. You know, road-schooling but actually sea-schooling. Or maybe just unschooling (that’s what my parents do!).

Man. I want to have at least 6 kids when I grow up (biological or adopted, I don’t care), but twenty-five. That’s, assuming all full-term singletons, 225 months of Buttercup’s life spent expecting. If there were no breaks in between, that’s still 18 years and 3 seasons (¾ of a year to be precise, and aren’t those “special characters” WordPress offers cool?).

But I think after the fiasco with Waverly (she was breech after all), Buttercup would insist on some breaks. Westley is famously a pushover when it comes to her (and only when it comes to her), but if that failed she could hide behind Inigo or climb on top of Fezzik.

Also, 25 children, 12 girls and 13 boys, sounds like something out of Greek mythology. And you know that 13th boy would be up to something.

The reason I dreamt this probably has something to do with the fact that, the previous night, I was thinking about a scenario where the pirate ship is stopped in a port somewhere, like Portugal, a good long way from Florin, and Westley and Inigo go for drinks before they leave. That would be hilarious.

We read The Princess Bride recently. By this I meant it was read to me, much the same way Goldman claims his father did to him, except my immune system is bigger, and I wasn’t sick. We’d read it before, but this time I sort of got a little slightly obsessed, especially since we also saw the movie (with the library DVD, but still) for the first time since I was seven.

I thought I was a proper teenager, but I guess not yet, because I viewed the romance part as secondary to the story. To me, it was a story about a girl and her nice guy, then he goes missing, and she sulks (I made Dad skip to “The Groom”), then an alpha (the prince) comes along and says “I’ll take her” (that’s literally what he says in the book).

We’ve been having fun genderbending The Princess Bride. “I’ll take him,” said by the princess of the milkman, is one of my favorites.

So, the girl decides to marry without like, then she gets kidnapped by these guys, who are all betas in one way or another (one is short and smart, one is skinny, one hates being alone).

And then, come to find out…Westley is no longer a beta! He’s manned up since leaving Buttercup (hmmmm…correlation or causation?). He beats the skinny guy after a heck of a long duel, beats the giant by choking him, and beats iocane powder, too. He winds up fishing her out of snow sand and fighting off a Rodent Of Unusual Size.

Then the other guy shows up. He foils Westley and is about to get what he wants (the girl plus dead rival) when the skinny guy and the gentle giant show up to foil him in turn.

The Fezzik kills a constricting snake and Inigo does in some bats, then they bring Westley to Miracle Max to be revived. It works, they storm the castle with an awesome trick, and Inigo fulfills his revenge.

In a nutshell:

Buttercup is kidnapped. Westley climbs the Cliffs Of Insanity, fights and wins against Inigo and Fezzik, gets through the fire swamp, and then is tortured. Inigo goes to the Thieves Quarter (there is no apostrophe) to wait for Vizzini and starts drinking again. Fezzik winds up on the Brute Squad, who are emptying the Thieves Quarter, finds Inigo and forces him to sober up. Inigo decides he can’t plan and then, in two big paragraphs of logic, figures out that he needs Westley to plan for him (I seriously wonder where Fezzik and Inigo would be without a planner). They fight their way down the Zoo Of Death, find him dead, have him resurrected, and have a happy ending (…yeah).

So yeah, romance wasn’t the main thing for me, and it says on the copyright page that it’s in the “Adventure” genre.

But still, it’s Valentine’s Day.

So, for the sake of argument, I will say they are a lovely couple. A near-perfect man and a near-perfect woman. Together. Bestowed with 24 more children by my subconscious.

370b31edf4abde45624b366861069cc7--the-princess-bride-labyrinth
“Let’s get it all over with quickly and have quattuorviguplets.” “As you wish.”

In my view, Westley’s flaw is his obedience, and Buttercup’s is her inability to get Waverly out in a timely manner.

But if they were completely perfect, it would be no fun. That’s probably why my favorite character is Inigo. He’s quite human and a good friend to boot.

Anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’m procrastinating on some computer chores anyway.

PS: I think it’s worth mentioning that my mother is Hispanic and my father is a gentle giant.


Autocorrect thinks I’m talking about Indigo (or Ingot) and Fezzes. Also, it doesn’t think “dreamt” is a word.

As a bonus to those who didn’t fall asleep before the end of this post, some dating tips. Good luck.

As a bonus to those who got past that and want to know how I found the word “quattuorviguplets,” it was here.

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