Recipe: Vegan Heart Attack

I made this recipe up yesterday. I was hungry (I was hungry like every five minutes yesterday, it’s still stumped me as to why) and wanted some hot dogs. Vegan hot dogs, of course, since I’ve been vegan over a year now.

I was cooking the hot dogs the way I like them, the way I pick them out of dishes of hot dogs and potatoes, but not thinking of the potatoes and not wanting to stand there for an hour frying them anyway. And then I just spotted the cheese there on the counter. About ½ to ¾ of the food I’ve been eating since discovering vegan cheese at the grocery store has been quesadillas, and that cheese is really good melted.

Thus Vegan Heart Attack was born.

I’m happy to say I hope I can’t believe I’ve descended to This will probably be about as girly as it gets on my blog, short of fangirling over Shizuo and such.

I think my chest binder nicely prevents hyperventilation.

A recipe.

But a made-up, approximate, (fake-)meaty recipe.

OK, OK, I’ll get to the point. Here it is.

The actual recipe for Vegan Heart Attack

Makes a snack for one guy, or two girls.


  • Two vegan hot dogs
  • Vegan cheese
  • A bit of natural oil (it’s not strictly necessary for it to be natural, but the original was made with coconut oil because that’s what’s around my house; the saturated fat adds to the “heart attack” part of the name)

Cut up the hot dogs into little coin-shaped pieces (cut those in half if you’re feeding small children so they don’t choke). If you want to make them as the originals were made, eat the rounded end pieces uncooked (they’re vegan, so it’s safe!). Fry them until deliciously crispy.

To check if they’re crispy, use chopsticks to pick them up and taste them. You can also use a small knife to spear them instead. If you do, be fast, so the metal doesn’t heat up too much. You could also use a spoon to flip them into a bowl or your hand. Do as I say, not as I do, and not doing as I do means not eating them out of a hot spoon.

You cannot use a fork to get the pieces out. We don’t use forks.

When the pieces of vegan hot dog are crispy enough, throw in some vegan cheese (or chess, as I kind-of-almost typed it).

How much cheese? I dunno. This is where it deviates from the original batch, because I stupidly added the cheese after taking them off the heat. Turns out those little pieces of hot-dog-shaped tofu didn’t retain heat well enough to melt it.

So throw in, say, two handfuls of vegan cheese (no chess, no matter how annoyed you are at it; if it’s plastic, that will also melt, but then your mom won’t want you eating it).

Mix it up until you realize how hard it’ll be to wash the pan, and then scoop it out with a spoon, into a bowl (be careful here, too, as glass bowls can break from sudden temperature changes).

Let it cool (or not) and enjoy!

Sorry if this didn’t have my usual pep, but oh my god, me, the pocketeer-procrastinator, wrote it in one sitting.

Also I’m tired since coming back from PR.

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